


Self Love

by yeolsbraincell



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self Confidence, Self Confidence Issues, self love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 20:52:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15693168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeolsbraincell/pseuds/yeolsbraincell
Summary: Honestly, this is just a massive word vomit that I wrote a while go to get this feeling off my chest. It's very personal so if you don't agree with something I wrote just close the tab and read something else.





	Self Love

You know that feeling you get when you have this itch that you can’t exactly reach? You scratch and scratch but it’s still there, and all you’re doing is causing red lines and welts to appear? Now get that feeling and magnify it times one hundred, and it’s not an itch, but a deep sense of discomfort in your own skin. No matter how many times someone tells you you look good, or you look into the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful, and fierce, and a warrior, that feeling is still there.

A knot in the pit of your stomach, or a lump in your throat, or a searing heat just under your skin. And sometimes you scratch at it, and try to get to it to satisfy your feeling, and try and feel right. And the red lines and welts appear, and for a second you feel good, and the discomfort is placated briefly. But after you cry yourself to sleep it appears again and whispers to you. You look into the mirror and you think that this is not what you feel right in. This body is wrong. Not what you need. And so you try to lose weight. Or gain it. Or get bigger boobs, or none at all. You wish your genitals were different, or better. Because you are not happy with what you are, it’s not who you are. You go to extremes, trying to change your body into something that reflects your mind. It seems impossible. 

How could you possibly change something you were born in? Something the Universe has given you?

But you persist, and you start exercising, or eating a bit more, stuff your bra, buy a binder. You try and do whatever is possible to tuck and pinch and tweak what you don’t like. Put more makeup on, wash your face clean. Wear tight clothing, wear the baggiest, largest size the store has. And slowly the burning feeling becomes less intense, and you stop trying to rip your skin off your bones because this body is wrong. You stop looking in the mirror and looking away with tears burning your eyes because who you see is not who you are. You start wearing what you want, start looking in your mirror and repeating that you are beautiful.

You are fierce.

You are a warrior.

You fought against your own body and made it yours, and made into something you can love.

And finally, you start believing yourself, and you don’t brush off compliments but start accepting them. Your body is something that you are born in, and sometimes what you are given doesn’t match what you feel. But your body is yours to do what you want with, and you can change it until you get your body, the one that truly reflects you. This journey is not an easy one and often is not quick either, but it is a journey of self discovery, and self love.


End file.
